Periodic Table Of Cars, Right.

H – Honda – Naturally occuring in old age, Honda can be dangerous when in close proximity.

Li – Rover 214 Sli – Stabilising moods in users, Rover 214Sli can however cause depression in others that come into direct contact.

Be – Bentley – Bentley leaves a sour aftertaste in the mouth of observers and can bring out tweed in regular users.

Na – Navigator (as in Lincoln) – Navigator has been known to bring out what’s known as the ‘footballer mentality’ in people who have fleeting brushes with more money than they’re normally used to. For sensitive types, even observing Navigator can make them feel billious.

Mg – MG Maestro – MG Maestro is quick to the touch, yet evaporates before your eyes should it come into sustained contact with water.

K – Kia – Kia oxidizes rapidly whence introduced to air to form nitric acid; essentially manufacturing a colourless mobile liquid. Not to be confused in any way, shape or form with nitrous which causes your motoring life to blur.

Ca – Caterham – Caterham is found in abundance in domestic leisure spaces of people who sport whiskers and live amongst whicker. Handle with due care.

Sc – Scirocco (as in VW) – Scirocco occurs when the chemical elements known as VW Golf and (Es)tate (A)gents are introduced to one another in a confined space. The imminent danger isn’t immediately noticable to the naked eye.

Ti – Turismo Internazionale – A fast acting agent that wreaks absolute havoc in the vacinity of Alfa Romeos, ensuring none Alfa Romeo users turn a violent shade of green.

V – Vanden Plas (as in Allegro) – Is a particularly nasty substance, characterized by a front grille that would look too austere gracing a Bentley. The illusion of grandeur is extended to encompass real leather seats, deep carpets and a walnut instrumentation panel. Can cause rigarmortis if not prised away from brainwashed owner quickly.

Cr – Croma (as in Fiat) – A Cromazone is not a place you’d like to find yourself in. It’s dark, damp and prone to rot. Not least, it’s very rarely a perfect match for anyone.

Mn – MiNi – Is an irksome, persistent automotive element that readily multiplies at a startling rate should it cross pollonate with young-ish people with supposedly trendy hairstyles. Has been known to cause rapid, pointless regression in middle aged people too. Should be handled with caution.

Fe – Ferrari – An aggressive, fast reacting element predominantly symbolised by the colour red. Has devastating effect on personal wealth of senior managers, and has been known to come between man and woman.

Co – Corvette – Instantly identifiable by magnetic effect it has on delusional, middle aged men across Europe. And American foundry workers. Closely related to (Br)uce (Sp)ringsteen.

Ni – Nissan – A curious phenoemenom that defies logical explanation. Harmless, yet awkward metal element that spreads across Britain like wildfire, releasing huge waves of negative energy amongst librarians and the elderly at large.

Cu – Cube (as in Nissan) – A peculiar little element that’s based largely around square root principles rather than any kinetic design. Slightly mad late middle aged women with dogs or artsy young types often found peering back at you through windscreen.

Zn – Peugeot 106 ZN – Manifests itself more often than not as a solid substance that it clearly didn’t start out its existence as. Substantial growths on element’s immediate surface area appear ill at ease when compared to other, far more impressive (and unexperimented) heavy metals, such as Saxo VTR and Peugeot 106 GTI.

Ga – Ginetta – Personified in the human form by the emotion of insanity, core components of Ga G32 regularly turn up in autojumbles. Can travel in a forward trajectory at great speed and with minimum of fuss, however should its flight path alter things can go awry.

Ge – Getz (as in Hyundai) – Whilst initially presenting itself as impoverished, Getz is nevertheless something of a hardy metal that attracts much attention within certain demographic groups. Acting as a harmless, yet universally accepted/welcomed repellant to people with peaked caps, the natural habitat of the Getz is the Lidl supermarket car park.

As – Alvis – Those who find themselves in close proximity to Alvis won’t need help ending their days as it’s fair to assume they’re pretty much knocking on God’s door anyway.

Se – Senna, Ayrton – A strange concoction that’s never managed to have been recreated in laboratory conditions since its untimely demise in fairly recent history. Often imitated, yet will never be bettered. Was always evident in hard form.

Br – Bristol (as in Blenheim) – Bristol Blenheim is essentially a naturally occuring element that’s as closely related as can be, to a leech. Whilst Br won’t drain the blood of those that come into direct contact with it, Bristol Blenheim will slowly, painfully relieve you of your money. And sanity too, somewhere not far down the road.

Kr – Ford Shelby Mustang GT500 KR – Just casually inhaling this noxous metal will render the unsuspecting victim clinically insane. Packing more venom than a thousand deadly asps, the GT500 KR will set in motion a cataclysmic cahin reaction, ultimately resulting in divorce and quite possibly, death.

Al – Alain Prost – French in origin, characterised best by going round and round and spinning off its own axis on occasion. Would play hardball with anyone.

Si – Suzuki – Never say die attitude to this unsophisticated Far Eastern element, which in an automotive context predominantly fares better when forged in two wheels. Can be found close to leather, petrol, mullets and rock music.

P- Porsche – A deeply unhealthy metal to avoid if you wish to maintain a meaningful relationship with society as a whole. Porsche (when unleashed in an uncontrolled environment) can and will ostracise its perputuator in but an instant from those around them. Private golf club car parks a notorious breeding ground.

S – Saab – Quizical little so-and-so this, difficult to ascertain real role/true meaning. More often than not trace elements discovered in the particle dust left behind by trails consistent with (A)udi A4 and (Bm)W 3.

Ci – Citroen – Something of a precious substance with a history of being stupendously elaborate and beautiful creations. Only to be usurped with hideous, compact new versions that are marvelled at for few minutes then overlooked for more substantial Germanic elements.

Ar – Alfa Romeo – The supposed genesis of automotive elements, Ar habitually attempts to muddy the still running waters of (Bm)W and (A)udi. Not particularly hazardous, it nevertheless gets told to clean up its (reliability) act by fans of the teutonic duo to this day.

B – Bugatti – A high tensile by product of stately homes, the Bugatti used to simply reek of old money. However there’s unfortunate evidence surfacing that B has leaked into lesser society, and people without family crests (but badges pledging allegiances to Manchester Rovers and Chelsea United) have been spotted sporting tell tale signs of its downgrading.

C – (in the event of more Caterham) – Incredible weightless material that thereotically should induce time travel courtesy of its involvement with old Ford Granada engines. However this ratio advantage lost due to heavily rosied cheeks and scrumpy-fond corporations found in cockpit area.

O – Octavia – Mined from what was once universally acknowledged as a crude source, Octavia has become a natural phenomena in recent years. A potent, some would say, heady mixture of wine gums, dentures and pipe tobacco has slipped almost unoticed into the mainstream to pollute the minds of those who previously embraced the once far more common gem referred to as Vectra.

F – Fiat – The most electronegative and reactive of all autoelements, Fiat’s are traditionally pale yellow and harbour corrosive gases which react with most other organic structures. Unfortunately not Italian drivers alas.

Ne – Neon or Neon (as in Chrysler) – The chemical element that has the symbol Ne and an atomic number of 10. Roughly (very) equivalent to the amount of models sold in this country to poor people with no sense of discernment or appreciation of the combustion engine.

He – Austin Healey – It’s colorless, odorless, tasteless, non-toxic, so it’s got to be a Austin Healey. Or simply, Healey for our purposes here. Lighter than a packet of Maltesers and emits a funny noise.

Rb – Rover BRM – Slight radioactive percentage to element makes Rb an element to avoid. If you squint you can just about make out the hidden danger just beneath the front registration plate markings.

Sr- Skoda Rapide – Overlooking fact that it’s an oxymoron, Skoda Rapide turns yellow when exposed to air. Which goes some way to explain most remaining samples of Rapide found are highly discoloured.

Y – Yugo – Lengthy exposure to Yugo can be fatal, with its compounds an acknowledged factor behind lung disease in humans. Approach with caution.

Zr – MG Zr – Skin problems are a known side effect when exposed to Zr for sustained periods of ownership, manifesting itself in the form of dragon and/or Tazmanian Devil symbolism. Strong resistance to corrosion would surprise many though.

Nb – Niobium or never get so intoxicated you end up buying a G-Whizz (Note to self)

Mo – Morgan – Although scientifically speaking a silvery base product, the Morgan is incredibly difficult to extract from wood surrounds. Generally impeded by being symbolic of a different era until recently, the latest incarnation of Mo has found favour with a new audience. Predominantly partially sighted.

Tc – Toyota Corrola – Very dangerous element that can reduce life expectancy in owners. Although odds stacked heavily against beforehand.

Ru – VW RoUtan – A member of the platinum group but isn’t comprised from this material. VW RoUtan is essentially what’s called a minivan element, one that will lure old people and Americans. Or old Americans as they’re more commonly referred to. Best to avoid.

Rh – Rhododendron – A flower found in your mum’s garden.

Pd – Peugeot Diesel – Soft silver-white metal that does not tarnish when introduced into the air. It is attacked by concentrated, hot nitric acid and boiling sulfuric acid. Although private cabs remain miraculuously unaffected by these anti-social measures.

Cd – Vauxhall Belmont CD – Widely acknowledged as one of the most dangerous metals on planet earth. Immeasurably worse than even waking up to discover that you’re Kerry Katona.

Sn – Saab Nine Hundred – Despite being spoken of numerically, the nine hundred is instantly recognisable to experts as ‘nine’ and ‘hundred’. That is all.

Sb – Suzuki Baleno – Awaiting indexing.

Te – Toyota Estima – Awaiting indexing.

I – Isuzu – Awaiting indexing.

Xe – Xenon or Lights – Awaiting indexing.

Cs – Chevrolet Spark – Awaiting classification.

Ba – Bentley Arnage – Awaiting classfication.

La – Lamborghini – Awaiting classlification.

Hf – Henry Ford – The man who invented cars essentially. Only ever available in black, which was just as well considering that life was lived in sepia at the time.

Ta – Tata – Indian gent who bought Jaguar and Land Rover and who Jeremy Clarkson hopes will make lots of money so they can reinvest it manufacturing fast Jags.

W – Westfield – Good around tracks, where Westfield is driven by accountants on their weekends off to prove to their friends that they’re in some small way interesting.

Re – Renault Espace – When observed under strict laboratory conditions, Renault Espace is still shite and shouldn’t be touched even with a very long, pointy stick. Parents of lots of children just can’t resist though.

Os – Oldsmobile Series 90 – Always appearing in crap american films, usually in scenes depicting dead people and/or shit actors.

Ir – Isuzu Rodeo – Boffins still working on a cure for this. I wouldn’t bother personally. Just hang anyone found in the cabin of one. That’ll teach them to look but not to touch.


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