Car C4lculu5


CARnivorousness - car calculus

We like cars, and we like maths. We also like Olivia Wilde perched on a Raleigh Chopper eating a Feast ice cream 2, but that’s another (+1) story entirely. However – and as many of you will duly note – maths isn’t always fun when you’re looking in from the outside. Not as much fun as cars anyway. And certainly nowhere near as much fun as Olivia Wilde perched on a Raleigh Chopper eating a Feast ice cream. That is until now; as we decided it was high time to bring together 2 of the founding 4fathers of modern science, namely cars and maths, and seek 2 break new banter ground.

The results – as you’ll see 4 yourself below – are nothing short of Danny DeVito, whilst the factual accuracy is next to 0.4517.6. Which despite sounding like a grid reference, isn’t. What you choose to use Car C4lculu5 4, is your business, but rest assured what you can definitely use it for is a big, fat n0thing. But don’t let this distract you from enjoying what is otherwise, simply nothing. And follows on from the previous CARnivorousness Car Periodic Table which we once compiled as a direct result/combination of boredom + a momentous stash of crack cocaine that was lying around the office.


A Hyundai i10 + a BMW 113i = A total breakdown in communication which will doubtless cost people jobs

A Renault 5 / an Audi A4 (sporting a roof-rack) = A moment of madness which won’t be repeated in our lifetime

An Austin A30 X a Datsun 240Z = An overwhelming compulsion to kill

An Aston Martin DB9 + a Peugeot 306 / a Porsche 924 = Absolute mayhem, squared

A Morgan 4/4 = The square root of tweed

A Citroen 2CV – a Mazda 3 X a Rover 214 = A fragrant disregard for authority which won’t go unpunished

A Saab 90 Turbo + a Fiat 124 = A worrying breach of security

A Mini One X a Triumph TR7= A soul-crushing despondency unparalleled anywhere on earth

A Volvo 850 T5 + an Alfa Romeo 4C = A hernia waiting to happen

A Peugeot 206GTi / a DeLorean DMC-12 = A minefield of red tape which plays right into the hands of Brexiteers

A BMW 2002 + a Ford XR3i = Career suicide

A BMW X5 – a Saab 99 = An embarrassing oversight on our part

A Ferrari 458 X a Mazda 6 = A level of civil disobedience previously unseen on the streets of Britain

A Mercedes A45 + a Renault 9 Biarritz = Unlawful entry, whichever way you choose to look at it

A Fiat Multipla’d by anything simply doesn’t work

A Renault 21 X a Volvo 340DL = An overriding urge to end it all right now

A Volvo C30 + a Volvo 480 = THE law of averages times infinity

A Volvo 740 – a Porsche 924 Lux = A lack of personal hygiene

A Fiat 500 / a Mazda RX8 = Serious ramifications for all implicated

A Morgan Plus 4 isn’t mathematically possible

A Datsun 120Y X a Volvo XC90 = A guilty conscience which will lead to the inevitability of remorse

A Jaguar XJ6 + an Audi A3 = A conflict of interests

A Rover 420SLi (with a towbar) / a Triumph TR6 = An educated guess on the part of all participants

A Caterham 7 – a Citroen DS4 = The manifestation of an eternal fear and loathing

A Smart ForFour = A yawning chasm in the time space continuum


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