New/Old Car Review: HONDA FR-VEEEEEEEEEE

Carnivorousness - Honda FR-V Review

In a first for CARnivorousness, we were recently given a car specifically for testing purposes. Not just any old car mind, but ANY old car. Namely one of our girlfriend’s, which happens to be both ‘any’ and indeed, ‘old’. But not old in an interesting/curiouso way; more as in old, 9 previous owners and likely to fail its next MOT way. This is mainly due to budget constraints and the underlying fact that we have no contacts in the motor industry and/or readership figures. Essentially the two aspects of our job which motivate us most and make the existence of this blog as futile as oven chips.

But nevertheless, we had a car to road test and that’s what we jolly well did, prior to creating this blog based on our findings. Which, as you’ll observe for yourself shortly, is a lot like Autocar or Autoexpress’ car reviews, if that is either respected authority on all things motoring had manned the particular department responsible for that with chimps. Excited chimps awaiting an impending tea party that is.

What happened?

We drove a Honda FR-V for a bit, quickly grew bored and spent the rest of the road testing session down the arcades until we ran out of loose change.

So why would I be interested in reading about a 2005 Honda FR-V 2.0-litre?

Because you have a spare 5 minutes before Hollyoaks starts, maybe? You tell us…

What’s it look like?

Non-descript. A van with a few more windows, essentially.

What’s its USP?

All the seats fold down and into themselves, like some sort of scary car origami.

Why would this give me a raging boner?

Because you could fill it with the entire cast of the Adventures of Scooby Doo. The animated one. And subsequently go on adventures.

Isn’t it just old people who smell of death who usually buy Hondas?

Yes. But not even they would consider buying an FR-V.

So who does/did then?

People who can’t afford a BMW X3 or who would describe the Nissan Qashquai as something that happens to other people.

What’s under the bonnet?

An engine. But, like a 2.0-litre one which is probably out of an Accord or something.

Is it fast then?

Compared to walking, it’s a fucking Bugatti Veyron.

Will it get me birds?

It depends. If you see the FR-V as a mobile pigeon loft, then yes. However if you’re referring to whether or not an 11-year old Honda people carrier will appeal to impressionable women then the answer is a big, fat zero.

Not even muntas?

(Beth) Ditto. Please see previous answer

Will my bum look big in this FR-V, then?

Almost certainly. It’s a big old thing from every angle.

Can I use it as a get-away vehicle if I suddenly decided that I wanted to do a Post Office job?

Why would you even want a specific car to work behind the counter of your local Post Office? And what are you getting away from?

Hey, isn’t it meant to be us posing the questions?

We guess so, unless we prove better at it.

Is it economic around town?

It depends on what town. If you live and work in Mexico City (the world’s most congested), then no. If you reside/are employed in Eastmere Training Village (which is geographically located in Norfolk), then yes.

Would it make a good towing vehicle?

We believe so. This particular model doesn’t come equipped with a tow bar as standard, so we’d only be hazarding a guess if we said yes. But that mere technicality didn’t stop us once pulling Big Ade’s knackered Ford Granada 2.8 Ghia for approximately 4 miles until it ripped the FR-V’s rear bumper clean off.

Does it go underwater like that Lotus in James Bond films?

Not unless you wish to drown.

Will it get you noticed in a crowd?

Only if you’re dressed as an extra from the Walking Dead and making those moaning sounds zombies make.

Is it any good for doing donuts in?

Yes. Courtesy of a series of hidden compartments which can accommodate a few boxes of Krispy Cremes in our experience.

What’s it like to own?

Depressing. A constant reminder that you should have worked harder at school if we’re being honest.

What CO2/tax band is it in?

Dunno. Why don’t you ask you dad?

Should I buy one?

We wouldn’t advise it. Not unless you’re currently seeing a counsellor.

Is it one of those cars which is better on the inside than the outside?

Only when it’s raining and/or cold.

Will it beat me at Chess?

We would have thought so.

Just whose is this disembodied/enfranchised voice you hear in your head when reading bitesize car reviews such as this/you discover on all car reviewing websites?

Could be any number of people from Judith Chalmers through to Mr Motivator. Our guess is that it’s actually Nigel Havers in this instance.

Is there an echo in here/this FR-V?

Probably. It’s quite tinny inside tell you the truth.

Can I go now, I need a wee?

Yes.

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